Whenever one of our “traditions,” however defined, goes awry because of scheduling or illness or some crazy thing, I always try to redefine that tradition for the children and to give them the skills to create something else to hold onto. Now the children are learning to do it for themselves. Little Brother decided that he “had to” get me a doughnut for Mother’s Day. However, since he won’t be with me that day, he started walking the dog to the grocery store once or twice a week, every week for the past month, to get me (and him) an early doughnut for Mother’s Day. “I’m a big boy now.”
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Written by frances on May 13, 2012
We all have biases and unconscious programming of various sorts, however, I am uncomfortable simply explaining it away, “I was raised that way.” That is too easy. Sure, there are lots of people raised by racists who then become racists themselves. However, there are also lots of people raised by racists (and sexists and homophobes and Republicans, etc.) who are not. What is it that makes some people choose a different path? We can be bigger than our programming.
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Written by frances on May 4, 2012
I stopped reading “The Best American Poetry” and found a book of Asian Pacific American poetry instead—which I understood, which made me laugh, which made me think, which did not offend. Then I started seeking out Asian Pacific American poetry and poets. Slowly, I realized that the problem was not me, the problem was finding poems that fit me.
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Written by frances on April 28, 2012
As the Asian Pacific American media began talking about the issue nationally, I began to fantasize about a more effective solution. I knew that two very cool Asian American activists happened to be headed to Purdue for various Asian Pacific American Heritage Month activities. I conjured up the image of the two of them dressed up in sky blue superhero costumes with fluttering capes and bright yellow masks and gloves, parachuting into the center of Purdue to take care of business. Ka-pow! Sock! Bam! Sometimes, in the face of depressing news item after depressing news item, I long for a superhero to set things right as cleanly and simply as they do in the comic books.
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Written by frances on April 23, 2012
Together we worried about young women finding themselves, staying safe, having fun, demanding to be treated with respect, and cultivating their characters and self-esteem. It is not easy, especially with all the different messages they get. Figuring this out may be more complicated for Asian American girls and women because they live at such a crossroads of different stereotypes and expectations—for Asians, Americans, Asian Americans, Asian American girls, Asian American women, girls and women, daughters and partners, etc.— many of which are contradictory. Talking about race is not enough, nor is talking about gender. We need to talk about both.
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Written by frances on April 13, 2012
Time to review the skills I teach my children in preparation for the bullying and hate crimes I hope never come. Because when it happens, one can never think quickly enough, these skills have to already be there…. [For example:]
The Exact Words: Whether or not a bullying incident or crime is racially motivated needs proof, usually in the form of the words spoken at the time of attack, including threats and slurs. When my children tell stories around the dinner table, I often ask, “What did she say, exactly?” especially when it seems like they might be exaggerating or generalizing. (This is a useful skill for future journalists, too.)
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Written by frances on April 6, 2012
My children are multiracial, so they might be perceived as any number of stereotypes. They might be perceived as Caucasian, different kinds of Asian, Hispanic, Arab, Native American, foreign, exotic, lotus blossom, both victim and suspect….I am not only trying to prevent trouble they might encounter, I am also secretly preparing them for the court battle that would follow.
I review constantly because, like these African American parents, I want these to become habits, so that they will not forget.
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Written by frances on March 29, 2012
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